


Just Stay Alive (That Would Be Enough)

by sadtunes



Series: Birthday Fics [3]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Happy Birthday Wit!, Peter Parker Character Study, Peter Parker Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:54:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28804632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadtunes/pseuds/sadtunes
Summary: “He is a bit like the Sun, in the way that he is always, always there, but not always seen. He will rise with it in the mornings, bright and cheery and okay and with a quick smile and press of his lips to May’s cheek when he leaves for school. He will disappear behind the moon, and darkness of the night will worm it’s way into his mind, his heart, and it eats at him slowly, slowly. He’ll leave the house soundlessly, silence following him as he goes. He’ll go to that rooftop, with the graffiti, and he’ll sit and sometimes talk and sometimes scream and sometimes cry and sometimes just do nothing.”(A Peter Parker Character Study)
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Birthday Fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111856
Comments: 11
Kudos: 9





	Just Stay Alive (That Would Be Enough)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Coal_burningbright](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coal_burningbright/gifts).



> Happy Birthday Wyn! Sorry this is so late but I was lowkey having a panic attack the entire day and I forgot ugh sorry. Anyway, I know we don't talk much but I think you're a pretty cool dude and I wanted to write something for you. Plus I vaguely remember having a conversation about this fic a very, very long time ago and I never followed up on writing it. So,,, here it is, I hope you like it!
> 
> Happy Birthday :P

Peter is still a child when his knees become caked with the mud at the bottom of his parents casket. 

  
  


They say the brain starts forming memories at two.

Peter was six.

He can’t remember what they looked like.

Peter is six and his parents are dead and he doesn’t cry because he doesn’t understand that they are never going to wake up. Peter is six and living with an aunt and uncle that don’t know how to love him because they don’t want him to forget the original people who did. Peter is six and his life has turned on its axis and nothing will be the same and he is sitting in his room playing with cars and renaming them Mary and Rich to pretend he isn’t alone.

  
  


He is 14 when he’s scrubbing blood off his hands and trying not to wipe away the tears so it doesn’t get on his face as well.

His uncle is by himself in the coffin, unlike his parents who had been together till the very end, and the reality of it all makes him want to cry once more despite thinking he had no tears left to shed- Ben had been all alone throughout it all. 

Nevertheless the tears don’t come out, but Peter is so out of it he doesn’t bother regulating his strength when it’s his turn to dump a pile of dirt in the soil. Luckily enough, everyone who’s there has their eyes blurred with tears, so they don’t notice when he takes a bit more than a lanky teenage boy like him should be able to handle.

In the end- this strength hadn’t been enough. Peter is still stuck helpless as a gun is drawn on him- directly in front of Ben. Peter knows what is going to happen before the thief does. Ben had always been a selfless person, when it comes to his family. Fiercely protective, in a non-overbearing way. Always the one to initiate spontaneous ice cream runs when Peter was feeling particularly stressed, always the one who would sit and hold May for hours on end when a shift at the hospital left her emotionally drained.

And so, when Ben dives in front of the bullet- Peter is not surprised. He doesn’t waste a second, dropping to his knees and pointlessly trying to staunch the flow of blood with his hands as the heavy footfalls of a man scurrying away fade into the background, and his face becomes wet with pain.

Ben dies and Peter spends 30 minutes in the bathroom scrubbing at his hands trying to wash off the blood because every time he thinks it’s gone he thinks of the pool of red he was kneeling it and the blood is everywhere and his hands are bathed in it and no matter what he does he can’t get it off because he’s  _ tainted _ . Peter is tainted with the blood of the people that have died knowing him and that is the type of taint you just can’t wash out.

Peter puts on a long sleeved shirt to hide the sore redness spreading across his forearms and goes in May’s room to hold her as she cries.

Because that’s what Ben used to do. Because now Ben is gone. Because he is the only one left. Because  _ they _ are the only ones left.

  
  


The next week, Peter becomes a vigilante, and behind that mask he can hide from his failures and pretend he isn’t just a coward.

  
  


Peter spends the next year waking up every morning wondering if that was the day May would die.

He wakes up every morning and he prays that it isn’t.

May is hurting, it's plain to see. May is hurting and the smiles she gives him are forced and he hopes one day it will be real enough that he doesn’t have to smile for the both of them.

He hopes and he prays and he waits and he waits and-

And one day there’s a man sitting on his couch and the warning bells in Peter’s mind tell him  _ somethings wrong somethings wrong somethings wrong- _

And then the man turns around and they turn off.

Tony Stark is sitting on his couch and talking to his aunt and finding out he’s spider-man and telling him he’s going to Germany and everything is moving  _ so fast _ but there isn’t a single moment to sit down.

So Peter rides with the wind of change and he resigns himself to the fact that spider-man is the only part of him that will ever really matter.

Spider-Man is the only part that matters, and Peter loses that too.

Peter loses his life, but that is all he can think about. 

_ Who will protect the city? Who will protect Queens? May? The World? _

Spider- Man is dying, and the world is losing one of it’s defenders.

Peter can feel his body disintegrating. He can feel every cell in his body fighting, desperately trying to survive- he can feel his healing factor trying and trying but you can’t heal the parts of his body that are  _ gone _ .

“Mr. Stark, what’s happening?” But he knows what’s happening, he knows,  _ he knows- _

“I don’t want to go.” Spider-man can’t die, he can’t- Peter Parker  _ can’t  _ die-  _ what about May, what about _ -

“I’m sorry.” Peter says, thinks of the people he’s leaving behind, thinks of May and Ned and MJ, the people who love  _ Peter _ \- not Spider-man. 

‘I’m sorry’ he says to Tony Stark, because he knows what it’s like to love and lose, because he knows what it’s like to watch someone you love die right in front of you. 

  
  


_ I’m sorry. _

Peter closes his eyes.

  
  


Then, he wakes up.

  
  


And Tony is  _ gone _ .

And Peter Parker is  _ not  _ okay.

He is a bit like the Sun, in the way that he is always, always there, but not always seen. He will rise with it in the mornings, bright and cheery and okay and with a quick smile and press of his lips to May’s cheek when he leaves for school. He will disappear behind the moon, and darkness of the night will worm it’s way into his mind, his heart, and it eats at him slowly, slowly. He’ll leave the house soundlessly, silence following him as he goes. He’ll go to that rooftop, with the graffiti, and he’ll sit and sometimes talk and sometimes scream and sometimes cry and sometimes just do nothing.

Peter Parker is not okay.

He sees it in the way that he doesn’t sleep at night. In the way that every fight he leans a little towards the hits, towards the pain. In the way that MJ looks at him, like she can spot that emptiness in his eyes. In the way that sometimes when he sits on that rooftops he considers letting himself fall.

  
  


He doesn’t ignore the idea, doesn’t ignore his pain. No, there is no ignoring the demons in his head. Sometimes they tell him to just let go. He thinks of MJ in those moments. Thinks of MJ and Ned and Pepper and Morgan and Happy and-

He thinks of Tony.

He is not okay.

He thinks of Tony. It’s not like the iron clad superhero ever really leaves him completely. No, Tony’s always on his mind, or in his heart, always buried into the depths of his soul. So no, thinking of him isn’t anything new. But it’s in those moments, on the rooftop at night, that the space of Tony’s absence swallows him whole.

  
  


He remembers the day like it was yesterday, and it might as have been yesterday, with the way he keeps reliving it every time he closes his eyes. He had the gauntlet in hand, when a woman approached and took it from him. She was on their side- Carol- Captain- something. He should have just snapped it then, he should have just done  _ something _ \- maybe Tony would still be alive, maybe-

The blonde woman loses the stones to the purple tyrant. And all seems lost. Everything is silent and the only noise that echoes across the battlefield is Thanos’ famous words.

“I am inevitable.” 

And Peter waits.

He waits for the familiar feeling of death. Of slowly dissolving into nothing, like he was never even there, like he never even existed. And nothing comes. He opens his eyes and looks at his hands, at his body and smiles, slowly and barely there, because it’s still there.  _ He is still alive. _

The smile drops dead. Across the field is Tony. 

“And I am Iron Man.”

This time, Peter knows it’s not him who is going to disappear. All around him, the chaos ends, everybody smiles, everybody sighs in relief. Peter looks at Tony.

And Peter runs, he runs faster than he’s ever ran before, his entire body is shaking and he keeps running- he has to get to- he’s hardly breathing but he’s still running, he’s pushing his body forward as fast it possibly can and Peter has never been any slower.

“Mr. Stark- Mr. Stark can you hear me?” He reaches Tony’s side. “It's Peter. You did it Mr. Stark.” Tears cascade down his face with every raspy breath that Tony takes. 

“Mr. Stark we won. We won.” Pepper peels him off Tony’s body and Peter knows she has to say her own goodbyes, he knows she deserves to see him one last time before- before- 

Pepper peels him off of Tony’s body and Peter wishes he could hug him one last time.

He can barely keep himself upright.

Faintly he hears Pepper talk. “We’re going to be okay… You can rest now.”

All around him people take a knee, they bow their heads. A few people cry. And all he can think about is the word okay _ , okay- it’s not okay, it’s not, it’s not- _

Tony takes his last breath, and when he dies, half of Peter’s heart goes with him.

Peter Parker is not okay.

And Morgan is left without a father.

And Pepper is left without a husband.

And the world is left without an Iron Man.

And Peter-

Peter is alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Not my best work but I don't hate it :P
> 
> comints? please I need thy validation :P


End file.
